Interview
AWA interview with Rozagy
I was 35 years old when I learned I had AspergerÕs Syndrome. Today, I am 37. My older son was bullied at school and searching on the net for ways to help him, I stumbled upon Asperger's syndrome which described exactly me, my son, and my father. I was shocked to find out we were not like everybody else andÊthe degree of our difference to the majority of people. The penny dropped, why I've had so much misunderstanding in life.
After my official diagnosis, I felt relieved that it wasn't my entire fault when things so often went wrong and thatÊa lot of itÊwas due to miscommunication. Because people somehow noticed that something was 'different' about me which made them 'switch off' and dismiss me as a person of any value and not listen to what I was saying. So they only heard what they THOUGHT I would be saying, not what I was actually saying and then accuse me of not being clear. Whereas I'm very clear and precise in the way I communicate, being careful to use the exact words to convey the meaning.Ê
Also, I was often accused of lying (because of my Autistic tendency to avert eyes when feeling stressed) and made people treat me with contempt and disrespect which would add further stress and anxiety and result in my hiding away from the world.
But knowing about my being Autistic, I started looking at things differently and addressing possible misunderstandings early on. I also read a lot of books about Asperger's and realized I was not 'unique' in my 'weirdness', that the way I process information and come across is totally normal for an Autistic person and most of the time the problems I have are due to other 'normal' people's inability to accept my difference (different to the 'normal' eye contact, different posture - I stand too close or too far away - and the nervousness that results from sensory overload and having to remember to rationally deconstructÊpeople's facial expressions, tone of voice, body language e.t.c... because it doesn'tÊcome naturally to me)Êand their tendency to pass judgment without seeing the whole picture, i.e. put 2 and 2 together and make 65.
I feel my main and biggest problem of being an Aspie female in an NT world is my innate belief that all humans are naturally equal, against the backdrop of rigid created social hierarchy of white NT male being at the top.ÊMany years ago, the first feminists (who were probably self-confident Autistic women wanting equality) were accused of 'Penile envy' and later of man-hating tendencies. Whereas the true feminism has nothing to do with any hate of anybody, but stands for equality of men and women, not the desire to turn women into men.
My biggest challenge in life was to be accepted and treated with dignity by white NT women who seem to be the 'gatekeepers' of this rigid social structure. I will explain. If the white NT male reigns supreme in our modern Western Society, with the white NT female being second only to that white NT male, the female is still a second not equal. However, not only women seem to readily accept their 'second to the leader' position in society; they actively reinforce the 'right hierarchy' and force any tall poppies down.
Knowing that we're all equal makes people act with assurance and self-respect and it is acceptable in men, especially in white NT men. However, it is my experience that women change their demeanour when white Alfa males enter the room, making the NT women appear subservient to the men. For that reason, I've experience NT females act aggressive towards me, as though a pack of wolves arranging the internal social structure through force. In this respect, Autistic females are not seen as trying to be equal to everyone else, but 'raising above their station' and trying to align themselves with Alfa males which those in 'in-between' positions see as threatening.
Autistic females tend to be pushed to the very bottom of social hierarchy, with ethnic minority Autistics being at the very bottom (with Autistic males being just above Autistic females in that structure). Yet,ÊAutistics areÊborn knowing that we're all equal and often act in life as though it was 'true' and ok in real life. But artificially constructed societies (the white NT females - the gate-keepers) do not accept this and do everything possible to push us into 'our place'. It is our innate belief that everybody is equal and our desire to act with dignity and refusal to bow down and 'observe our place' is what's causing most difficulties in life to Asperger's females.
On the surface, I look white but to NT's, our Autism although they don't know how to put it into words is obvious in the way we come across as 'different' and 'not worthy of belongingÕ. For that reason, I believe I've been picked on and bullied by white NT women (and very rarely by white NT men) and readily accepted by both men and women of ethnic minorities and by Autistic men and women. According to anÊextensiveÊstudy by Professor Baron-Cohen, Autism in men and women is a manifestation of extreme male brain model. If it is the case, then it would explain why.
I am absolutely happy being an Aspie woman. I would not change to being an NT if I could. I can't imagine 'drifting' in life. I'm happy to have a life's purpose and be driven. My Autistic brain design is perfect for my life purpose.
So you're an Aspie? Count your blessings! Trust your gut feelings, believe in yourselfÊand never give up your dream, whatever that might be. Your glass ceiling is only as low as you envisage it to be. You REALLY CAN accomplish anything you set your heart on.
What went wrong with the parents' genetics? How come they are not Aspies themselves? Did they adopt the child? Ok seriously, for anyone to have a child on the Autistic spectrum they must have had it in their family gene pool already. This means, that those parents have biological and psychological capabilities of being the best possible parents and mentors to their offspring on the Autistic spectrum.
You MUST encourage your daughter's aspirations regardless of whether society says it's acceptable for a female to be a cosmologist, president, cosmonaut, computer programmer or a rock star or anything else she may like to do in life. Often, because Asperger's females do not think like Neurotypical females and can be assertive, they are accused of being butch, bossy or crazy. Some are pushed into relationships with other women because they are made to believe they are butch! Some choose to be with women, some choose to be with men.ÊÊOne thing is common for all Aspie females: they tend to be told far too often that they can't do something or that they think wrong. Females with Asperger's take a battering to their self-esteem from an early age and far more often than even males with Asperger's. It is up to the parents to instill self-belief into their children, regardless of whether they are Autistic or not, boys or girls and that should be central to their parenting model.
My message to society to help us have a better life is to simply accept us as we are and give us a chance. Should co-morbid disorders be recognized first and treated? Yes, co-morbid disorders are a result of stress brought on by society's abuse of someone who is different and the effects of that abuse needs to be addressed. People are literally 'drivenÊmad' - they are not born with mental healthÊproblems.ÊAutism is not a disorder and does not need to be treated. But the behaviors sometimes associated with having Autism which leaves a person vulnerable to society's 'piranhas' - the gate-keepers - are the effect of Autistic people trying to cope with extra stress. These behaviours take shape of obsessive compulsive disorder, mania, depression, eating disorders, psychosis e.t.c.... and they should be treated.
From hundreds of emails written to me by women diagnosed and undiagnosed with Asperger's and the many conversations I've had, I believe the reason for so few females being diagnosed is that the diagnostic criteria for boys with Asperger's and girls and women with Asperger's has to be different, simply because females are better at coping and masking the symptoms and copying NT girls (to survive). It is also widely accepted in academic circles of Autism but as yet to be passed on to the widerÊcircle of psychologists, GPs, mental health teams, e.t.c... Basically, it's ignorance about female Autism among the professionals .who are currently responsible for diagnosis - not the rarity of Autism among women.